SPILL THE FEELS (07): WHY NUMBERS NO LONGER MATTER.

I had this post titled and saved since February 2014. Every time I try to begin expressing what I truly feel, nothing seems right. So I left it empty until today. (I think I have all the fitting thoughts, thanks to coffee?)

I've been blogging for a while and the journey has been nothing but amazing. When I was starting, I was too energetic to post every day, join all the memes, comment on all the blogs (this one I have to continue) and be on Goodreads all day reading all the reviews. Even if I don't sleep, even if I don't eat, as long as I blog, all is well. I kept doing it until one day I can't anymore. I looked back and eventually realize how horrible my blog contents are (I've improved a little today, I think). I felt like no one reads my reviews or no one visits my blog at all that is why I DON'T GAIN FOLLOWERS. The insecurity began crawling in my brain like a worm that I can't remove. Then the blogging mojo started to fade.

I tried what I thought would help me reach the number of followers I want by joining blog tours, cover reveals, doing blog features of my own and giveaways but none of these helped. Well, I gained little following (THANK YOU) but still not the number I wanna see. I became obsessed with hitting the right stats and started comparing my blog to this blog blah blah blah. IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY THAT THE HORRIBLE THOUGHT OF QUITTING CROSSED MY MIND.

But then, I asked myself, why was I so eager to hit a certain ceiling for blog stats to begin with? To be called a big blog? To be looked up to? To have the number back up when requesting ARCs? To what really? Dammit, I couldn't answer. Up until now, I still can't and probably I never will admit it to myself even if come to the conclusion as to WHY. Okay, well, maybe because I thought having small following made me a little bit of a failure but boy, was I wrong!

So last December, I took a month long hiatus and contemplated on what truly makes me happy -- fangirling (capslocking basically) on Twitter and reading all the books I feel like picking up. I stopped cramming and obsessing and it made me so liberated, so free! I don't really look into the what numbers I have on the blog anymore because am satisfied with what I gained. I value these readers, commenters, RTers so much that I feel I am finally an accomplished blogger through them. The most important thing I learned in this beautiful community is that numbers on your blog don't define you. So why not focus on the aspects of blogging that bring bliss to me, right?

I'm proud to say that am past the 'numbers obsession' phase. Blog numbers no longer matter to me, I mean, it wouldn't be the priority anymore. And thank you to all of YOU (email subscribers, GFC, Bloglovin, Twitter and IG followers and friends on Facebook) who have been with me all these years. You are all that I ever need. And advance thank you to the future ones!

And to the big bloggers who I get the chance to talk to once in a while on Twitter, do not freaking change!